Sometimes it's the little things

My mother will remember. She tried everything she knew to try to stop me from biting my nails. It was a nervous habit, an automatic reaction to stress or just an impulse. She gave me nail polish that was meant to taste so bad that I would stop. She promised to paint my nails when I went a certain number of weeks. Nothing she said did anything, so my grandma told me to stop when I visited. Even an elder in the church noticed and reminded me that nails look nicer sticking up above where they meet the finger. My nails never grew out. 

As an adult, I could tell that a day had been particularly stressful on my body when my nail beds hurt from tearing. 

I didn't know why I did it. I didn't even always notice when I did.

In the last weeks of my job in Iqaluit and over my whole time at my last job, my nails were constantly jagged and bloodied. I've never owned a nail clipper. What would be the point?

Today, in the Mission Thrift Store, I was rummaging through a plastic filing cabinet of small items when I found a nail clipper. I considered it for a moment, then looked down at my hand. Long nails wouldn't be a shock to most people, but, looking at my fingernails and seeing suddenly that they were more than long enough to be clipped was a beautiful moment for me. I've been at this job for two months now, and I am possibly the most emotionally rested that I have ever been.

It's been evident in other parts of my life as well- I'm mainly at peace with my life as it is, and I think my mind is taking that as it's cue to start unpacking recent history that it's been avoiding. Almost like I've been waiting quietly inside of myself for the right moment to process the past year. 

I feel like I'm a bottle of soda that's been shaken violently, with so much pressure inside, but now the lid has been pried up a bit- not so much that I explode, but enough to let me let go of some stress and bottled memories. 

So tonight I clipped my fingernails for truly the first time in years. And it meant more to me than I expected. 

- Aliya