Winter.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you,"

1 Peter 1:3‭-‬4 NIV

If I am to wait 50, 60 years for the fulfillment of my hope, will I make it there? 

It has been six months of struggle, and I am barely making it. I feel selfish and weak- in the shadow of people giving up everything for Christ, what have I to open my mouth about? And yet perhaps if there were a clear reason for the difficulty it would be easier to bear. 

I have lost much that I hoped for. With all of my experience and training, there is no pool work available. My skills don't transfer- I am back at the bottom, working entry level jobs. I cannot muster up a dream to cling to- what can one dream of in a world where success is the exception and dreams function to fill the spaces before they are dashed?

When all is uncertain, what does one hold fast to?

I wonder occasionally what kind of soil I am. My parents tilled the soil each day as they read me stories of God's goodness and spoke of his mercy, but even the softest garden earth is hardened by a relentless frost. Winter turns the soil to stone and the sprouts to withered husks. Indeed, even the sturdiest trees tremble in a winter storm, with their leaves gone and their appearance like the dead.

Somehow inside they hold the knowledge that the sun will rise with warmth, and then they will put out leaves.

The sprouts are gone. What sliver of life they had is sniffed out, as a candle when a glass is placed to cover it.

So am I a sturdy tree, weak in myself but secure in Christ, or a sapling, quickly broken down, never to live to another spring?

I hope that the soil of my heart is soft and dark, lifeless at first glance, perhaps, but itching to bloom at the right moment. 

We were told to "Do great things", and that "You can do anything you put your mind to", and later asked "Who do you want to help?". I had my answer. I wanted to help kids in bad situations. Now I put plants on carts all day and get overwhelmed when everything changes on me. I can't go to church, I don't have close friends here, and I'm so tired out from this job that I barely keep my relationship with the friends that I do have. I'm out of energy to even consider where I will go next and what I should plan to do. 

I think to myself, "Am I cynical, or is it really that bad?". Have I become jaded, blind to the goodness that exists here? Or does the darkness truly overshadow the light? Is it just this stage of life- is it supposed to be like this? And how much longer will it last?

Spring will come, but my ever-doubting heart wonders: will it come for me?

- Aliya