Plane Thoughts Episode 5

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time once again for plane rants. I'm confident that none of the readers of this blog enjoy these near as much as I do, but no matter. I've been doing them since before the blog anyway. 

IQALUIT TO OTTAWA

5:16. Can you get a sunburn through plane windows? Then again, most of my face is covered by a mask.

5:20. They don't give plane snacks anymore. I brought cheese and I keep sneaking tiny pieces under my mask. 

5:22. I'm not in a particular rant-inducing mood, although I probably could write plane rants about lots today. There are two angry babies on this plane. And possibly an animal, but those sounds may have just been one of the babies. 

5:25. The flight attendant just looked at me very judgementally when I turned down the extra wipes she offered me. Dear Canadian North, giving passengers wipes is not actually an acceptable substitute for cleaning your planes every once in a while. This seat is looking exceptionally clean (the one next to me is stained with something though), and the outside of the tray table looks clean, but folded down it is dirty. 

5:27. Today on things I've never seen before: the flight attendant just climbed up on the seat beside me and stood on it to reach an overhead bin. I was saved the difficulty of putting my bag in the overhead bin today because I am the only passenger in this town. I had plenty of room under the seats for both of my bags.

5:29. They handed out water bottles, but we aren't allowed to take off our masks. Maybe we should suck the water through it. I closed my window and now am far less warm. 

5:33. Actually I should have brought a straw for my water bottle. That could be managed with a mask

5:38. Through the cloud breaks I can see the ice breaking up. I'm looking for polar bears. Always. Sun on the shiny ice is blinding me. The land still has snow on it, but not a lot.

5:41. I took my sweater off. Now I'm at risk of sunburn. 

5:46. I'm listening to my plane music playlist. Perhaps that will make up for the fact that I can't have orange juice. If I'd thought ahead perhaps I would have packed a 100 ml bottle of it to make this feel like a proper plane ride. Instead I have cheese and water. 

6:58. I have slept briefly. 

7:05. My mask is too big for me; I can slide it up to cover my eyes as well as my mouth and nose. I feel unusually bored. Perhaps it is the lack of plane food?

7:38. A line from Canadian North's flight attendant training manual, presumably: "A method for dealing with rude passengers: ensure that you are always the rudest person on the plane. Then no one can be ruder to you than you are to them." Too many uses of the word 'rude'. But I don't edit these. Plane rants are an exercise in free-flow writing. Stream of consciousness.

7:41. The current temperature of this plane is hovering uncomfortably between 'too warm for a jacket', and 'too cold for no jacket'. I am stubbornly going without the jacket to avoid over heating and having to take it back off. The mask is also making my face and neck too warm. 

7:44. The overhead light in front of me is out, and the roof compartment two rows ahead and across the isle is partially out of its housing, just adding to the trashy feel of this plane. You'd think a company getting $400 per customer per flight would have a little leftover to do basic (albiet non-essential) maintenance. But alas, there is no competition to force them to. Also, the call button and light switches on the seat in front of me and the one three rows up and across the aisle are different colours than the rest of the plane's. 

7:50. Who made the rule that plane carpet has to be ugly? I bet it's meant to disguise stains. It always has all of those little multicoloured dots. If I ever boarded a plane and it had a single-colour carpet, then I would believe it was actually a clean plane. 

7:52. The angry babies are happy now. And rather cute, actually. 

7:55. I just got skipped entirely in the picking up of garbage. Perhaps the flight attendants knew I was questioning their customer service skills and the general service model of their company. 

7:57. Someday, as a lifeguard, I hope to have to same confidence in telling people what not to do as flight attendants. I admire that in them. Absolutely no remorse for their enforcement of rules. Any attempt at remorse clearly put on. Telling it as it is left and right with reckless abandon. If only I had the same determination to tell every child to walk as flight attendants have to ensure every armrest is down and every seat up. 

8:00. A flight attendant just took off his mask to talk to someone.

8:04. I just finished packing up my bag, and looked up to see the flight attendant staring straight at me, head tilted to the side. I smiled. She did not. Do other people not take things out of their bags? That wasn't a strange thing for me to do. Maybe she was staring at my embroidered octopus. I made a point to keep those pants when I packed most of my clothes to ensure maximum wear time. 

8:07. I see trees. First time in months. 

8:08. Out the window I see what looks like some sort of irrigation system beside the river. I took a bad picture. But who irrigates right next to a river? Perhaps it was something else. 

8:10. Proud of the angry babies. We are nearly on the ground, and neither has cried from the pressure.