Dear Aliya
This post is another letter written to myself, this one from November 2019. This one is a little more personal, but it's honest, and I don't really want to hide.
Dear Aliya,
Don't be afraid.
Dear Aliya, take the little risks. Sit beside him, or you might never know. Do the tiny things that scare you- walk into a store just to look around and don't buy something just to feel more comfortable walking out. You don't have to apologise for being. Eat whatever you want even when it's weird. Don't pretend you're not eating it when someone walks past. Why do you hide granola bars when someone walks past? You are allowed to eat granola bars. It's okay if people hear you singing- singing makes you happy, so sing loudly. You don't have to stop when someone walks past. You may, but if you don't want to, you don't have to. No one notices when you walk to the garbage can to throw something out. Even if you have to walk past people. Don't put garbage in your pocket because you're embarrassed of... what? What are you embarrassed about? Picking up large things from the post office isn't a big deal. Don't be awkward about it. No one is looking at you most of the time. Sit beside someone you know just a little bit, not in the chair with a safe buffer space from everyone that you want to talk to you. Mail a letter, once in a while. You don't have to feel uncomfortable anytime you buy things at a grocery store- they sell those things; they expect you to buy those things. When the cashier makes a mistake ringing up your order, ask them nicely to double-check. Why did you ever let people overcharge you because you were embarrassed to say what the issue was? Look at display tables even when you aren't certain you will buy something. Look even if you are certain you won't, if you are curious. If you want to get up and walk around for no reason, you can. You don't have to pretend that you had to go to the bathroom just to make it look like you have a purpose. When you think someone was talking to you and they're not, don't pretend that you knew they weren't talking to you. Laugh and move on; don't search for some way to hide that you thought they were talking to you. What does it matter? Don't be embarrassed about your taste in music. It's not weird, and they were wrong to say that it was. And you were wrong to listen and accept it. You didn't even make the music. You don't have to apologise for it. Maybe start assuming that people accept you before fearing that they might not. Don't be afraid to just be. Why are you uncomfortable in the clothing that you like because it's not perfectly normal? Sometimes just accept a compliment. Say 'thank you' and just be.
Dear past me, it's okay. 2019 me still doesn't know why we do those things. If you're afraid sometimes and you can't even explain why, know that you are allowed to be.
Dear Aliya, it is time to take the world on. Remind people of what they promised you. Say 'yes' or 'no', not 'sure' or 'maybe...'. Commit sometimes, to the little things. Like when someone offers you a ride home. Say 'yes please', not 'oh, sure'. You're not trying to be rude, I know. You are just afraid of sounding too... What? It is time to live the life that you want. But it's okay to feel afraid and to hide from the world sometimes. So if you have a bad day and you can't even begin to try to tell the cashier that she rang your apples up as the more expensive brand, then don't. It's a dollar difference. When you can, say it! And when others can't, do it for them! And when you can't, take a deep breath and tell the cashier 'thank you. Have a nice day' and pay the extra dollar and walk out and put in your earbuds and be okay.
Dear yesterday me, yesterday was a good day. Sometimes you feel embarrassed that you consider it a victory to tell the cashier that peanut butter is on sale, but it's okay. Small victories are still victories and it's okay to celebrate. You did it yesterday, and you can do it tomorrow too.
Dear Aliya, when other people aren't afraid, don't be afraid for them. You can't ask Ikea employees to hold flowers and take a picture with you, but she can, so let her. You feel like crying just thinking about having to ask someone where something is in a store- you're almost crying thinking about it now in your bedroom all by yourself- but she can do it. It doesn't make her afraid. So let her, and don't hide around the corner where the employee can't see you- can't see that actually you were the one looking for a perfectly normal thing.
Sometimes I think something might be wrong with me. Why am I so afraid of the small things that everyone does and feels?
Dear future Aliya, perhaps you understand why we are like this. Perhaps you are better.
- Aliya
Dear Aliya,
Don't be afraid.
Dear Aliya, take the little risks. Sit beside him, or you might never know. Do the tiny things that scare you- walk into a store just to look around and don't buy something just to feel more comfortable walking out. You don't have to apologise for being. Eat whatever you want even when it's weird. Don't pretend you're not eating it when someone walks past. Why do you hide granola bars when someone walks past? You are allowed to eat granola bars. It's okay if people hear you singing- singing makes you happy, so sing loudly. You don't have to stop when someone walks past. You may, but if you don't want to, you don't have to. No one notices when you walk to the garbage can to throw something out. Even if you have to walk past people. Don't put garbage in your pocket because you're embarrassed of... what? What are you embarrassed about? Picking up large things from the post office isn't a big deal. Don't be awkward about it. No one is looking at you most of the time. Sit beside someone you know just a little bit, not in the chair with a safe buffer space from everyone that you want to talk to you. Mail a letter, once in a while. You don't have to feel uncomfortable anytime you buy things at a grocery store- they sell those things; they expect you to buy those things. When the cashier makes a mistake ringing up your order, ask them nicely to double-check. Why did you ever let people overcharge you because you were embarrassed to say what the issue was? Look at display tables even when you aren't certain you will buy something. Look even if you are certain you won't, if you are curious. If you want to get up and walk around for no reason, you can. You don't have to pretend that you had to go to the bathroom just to make it look like you have a purpose. When you think someone was talking to you and they're not, don't pretend that you knew they weren't talking to you. Laugh and move on; don't search for some way to hide that you thought they were talking to you. What does it matter? Don't be embarrassed about your taste in music. It's not weird, and they were wrong to say that it was. And you were wrong to listen and accept it. You didn't even make the music. You don't have to apologise for it. Maybe start assuming that people accept you before fearing that they might not. Don't be afraid to just be. Why are you uncomfortable in the clothing that you like because it's not perfectly normal? Sometimes just accept a compliment. Say 'thank you' and just be.
Dear past me, it's okay. 2019 me still doesn't know why we do those things. If you're afraid sometimes and you can't even explain why, know that you are allowed to be.
Dear Aliya, it is time to take the world on. Remind people of what they promised you. Say 'yes' or 'no', not 'sure' or 'maybe...'. Commit sometimes, to the little things. Like when someone offers you a ride home. Say 'yes please', not 'oh, sure'. You're not trying to be rude, I know. You are just afraid of sounding too... What? It is time to live the life that you want. But it's okay to feel afraid and to hide from the world sometimes. So if you have a bad day and you can't even begin to try to tell the cashier that she rang your apples up as the more expensive brand, then don't. It's a dollar difference. When you can, say it! And when others can't, do it for them! And when you can't, take a deep breath and tell the cashier 'thank you. Have a nice day' and pay the extra dollar and walk out and put in your earbuds and be okay.
Dear yesterday me, yesterday was a good day. Sometimes you feel embarrassed that you consider it a victory to tell the cashier that peanut butter is on sale, but it's okay. Small victories are still victories and it's okay to celebrate. You did it yesterday, and you can do it tomorrow too.
Dear Aliya, when other people aren't afraid, don't be afraid for them. You can't ask Ikea employees to hold flowers and take a picture with you, but she can, so let her. You feel like crying just thinking about having to ask someone where something is in a store- you're almost crying thinking about it now in your bedroom all by yourself- but she can do it. It doesn't make her afraid. So let her, and don't hide around the corner where the employee can't see you- can't see that actually you were the one looking for a perfectly normal thing.
Sometimes I think something might be wrong with me. Why am I so afraid of the small things that everyone does and feels?
Dear future Aliya, perhaps you understand why we are like this. Perhaps you are better.
- Aliya
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